So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
