If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
