I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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