so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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