I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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