I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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