i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my being single is dangerous.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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