Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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