Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Congratulations! We have a period
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
