using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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