I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...