I like to think it a success when the cops are called
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
