I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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