I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
