Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
