Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
