I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
