the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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