He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
