I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize