my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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