Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
