The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You took a bar mat shot.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
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Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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