I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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