I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
