so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
