Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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