I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she told me i tasted like america
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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