is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
