Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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