I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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