med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you inspire me to be a worse person
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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