3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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