Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
