Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
