Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
