At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
