I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
