So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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