So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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