Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
