there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
