I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i will never coherently bang her
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
