he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
