I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
