I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
