Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
