I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
