hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
