So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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