last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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