he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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