I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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