Can i not drive my cunt home
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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