went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
