Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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