there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
