so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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