what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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