apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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