You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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