I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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