I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Semen is not good for contacts.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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