I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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